When You Fall Down
by Sub-Atomic Grape
Summary: After a harsh night in November, Mitsuru is spent with grief.  Akihiko is the one who picks her up and guides her home when her strength fails, but finds that he has some old emotional scars of his own that need to be cared for.


**((Author's note: written as a fill for an Akihiko/Mitsuru prompt on an LJ community. Hope you enjoy!))**

* * *

Distantly, Akihiko can remember a terrible, scalding heat lashing against his face, and the dying groan of a gutted building slowly being eaten by fire. He can almost see an ugly, ruddy orange glow overtake the sickly green colors of the Dark Hour, and his ears keep trying to tell him that there are sirens blaring. It's Mitsuru's sobs that keep those memories and sensations distant, and drown out most of the details. But as he stares down at her, crumbled against the ground with all the strength torn out of her, Akihiko would take any distraction other then watching Mitsuru start to break.

As he watches her, Akihiko thinks that it starts with her voice choking up. Those are the first cracks, and they only get wider as her eyes stay fixed on her father's body. Then Mitsuru slumps forward, her hand resting on her father's still chest, and it isn't a slow break so much as she completely shatters into a jumble of half sobbed words and shudders.

She doesn't react at all when he closes the distance and kneels down next to her. He has to get close, with how her body is almost curled in on itself as she almost lays on the ground.

"Mitsuru…" He doesn't expect her to respond to her name, but he still feels like he needs to say it before putting a hand on her. Like it's some little ritual that brings some stability back into the situation. When her father slumped to the ground and Mitsuru cried out a knot wedged itself in Akihiko's throat. But it wasn't until she fell to her knees next to him that he felt the bottom of the world drop out. He doesn't know how he's still keeping his feet, but somehow he manages.

He can feel Mitsuru quivering under his hand, like a thread pulled too tight for too long, and is just about to snap. But he doesn't take that as a sign to pull his hand away; instead, he tries to tighten his grip without hurting her. Somehow that keeps the memories of fire at bay, and keeps Mitsuru from breaking apart any further.

But she still doesn't respond to her name, or his hand as it moves over her shoulder. Or-

There's a flicker of surprise that goes through him when his fingers also pull her hair back, over her neck and out of her face. The tears in her eyes and running down her face yank at his chest, and also pulls something out of the back of his mind that makes the crackle of fire echo in his ears louder then before.

Akihiko has to wonder if there still isn't something from that cross stuck to him and messing with his Persona. Something is lodged in his chest, pulling itself tight around his heart, and it seems to have a pulse of its own. One minute, there's a painful lump in his chest, and the other, something-

Something almost like-

He shouldn't be thinking about that. The Dark Hour won't last forever, and Mitsuru isn't standing on her own. Akihiko slowly rises, first testing one foot, and then the other as Mitsuru leans against him like a weight. Akihiko stands up with his arms around her, and tries to keep that orange light confined to the back of his mind.

It's a battered, tired group that picks its way back to the dormitory. They aren't broken, not in the same way that Mitsuru is, but there's still a few cracks beginning to show. Arisato and Koromaru lead the group only by virtue of being in front. Akihiko follows a little behind, still half helping, half holding Mitsuru. The others are stretched out behind him, fragmented, but still somehow staying together. That's one thing he's glad for, that no one has drifted off.

Otherwise, it's a long walk back to the mainland. The miasma of the Dark Hour feels thicker then normal, and he wonders if that's why Mitsuru's breath sounds so heavy, or like she's still sobbing. He THINKS it might have something to do with how tight his chest feels, or why his heart is hammering. He knows that he's been training enough that he shouldn't be breathing hard, even if he's supporting her weight, so it has to be something else.

_**'Be honest with yourself.'**_ A voice chides at him, sounding like a low rumble of thunder building up in the back of his head. _**'You know what she's feeling, and what it's doing to you.'**_

Polydeucus was never this loud, or critical about his thoughts, Akihiko thinks with a touch of spite as his mood goes a little blacker. He only gets dragged out of that when something that makes an oily, splashing sound underfoot. Looking down he sees that his shoes are just starting to touch the edge of one of those bloody puddles that collect everywhere in the Dark Hour; one that everyone else is drifting wide around, but he finds that he doesn't have the quickness or time (…or the energy, Caesar informs him with a critical note) to avoid.

Mitsuru doesn't react at all when they step through the puddle instead of around it. She doesn't even lift her head off his shoulder or glance at the bloody footprints they both leave behind, as the red coats up on those black leather boots that probably cost more then a month of his stipend.

He wants to say something, or hear her speak, but his throat keeps tightening up and shutting off any sound. His mind can't get around a thought, either; that it feels like he's not just holding her up, but also that he's holding Mitsuru back from…From something. He can't put his finger on it, and that frustrates him.

And he still doesn't know why he hasn't left that feeling in his chest behind.

_**'Because you've gone through the same thing.'**_ Caesar rumbles in the back of his mind.

He tightens his grip on Mitsuru, hoping that will drown out the sound of a fire.

o-o-o

_Impossible._

The word repeats in her mind, as her hands tighten around the patch of cloth that used to cover her father's eye. Her fingers dig into it, until she can almost feel her nails bite into her palms, even through the fabric. She holds it close like a talisman, like doing so somehow means that her father will open his eye, breath again, be waiting for her back at the dorm-

Which she knows is foolish. She outgrew such stories a long time ago, and there should be no room for them, either in the Dark Hour, or in her mind.

_It isn't possible._

But…

Her thoughts are starting to ring a lot more hollow, as the reality of her father's death starts to sink in. The weight of it settles around her shoulders, burrows into her chest and drags at her. It tries to pull her down, even with an arm around her, holding her up off the ground.

Mitsuru is dimly aware that they're moving; mainly because someone keeps a tight grip on her and half carries, half helps her along. In the corner of her eye, she can catch a gleam of silver hair, which blurs as her eyes start to sting again.

Akihiko's grip is what keeps her grounded, and Mitsuru feels the foreign sensation of uncertainty chewing at her; over whether to be thankful for it, or lashing out at him for linking her back to the pain and heartache. Leaning against him and digging her fingers into his vest is her best compromise.

Even with his help Mitsuru staggers more then she walks. She's moving like a sleepwalker or a drunk, knowing that she should compose herself into something better, but can't bring herself to care. The only one whose opinion she valued is still at the observatory, laying in a bloody puddle and not answering her when she cries.

Despite that, there is a voice in her ear. It isn't Penthesilea, either; her Persona has gone silent and still, seeming to curl up in the back of her mind and sealing itself away, something Mitsuru starts to wish she could do herself. But that voice is still murmuring against her ear in a low, steady voice.

"Not far now. Mitsuru?" Strange. To her ears, Akihiko's voice almost mirrors how she feels. There's something heavy sticking to his voice, and it almost sounds like he's having as much trouble speaking as she is with getting her tears under control.

She should answer him. Pull herself back into a state that isn't based around numb shock laced with something painful.

Battered and worn as she is emotionally, there's still something in her that wants to resist that notion, that wants to burrow in deeper to that void that's been growing out of her heart. There's a faint idea that maybe, if she stays there long enough, the pain will keep fading until she's left with nothing.

Part of her wants to only turn away from his voice, and shut out **everything** she's feeling. The grief gnawing away inside her stomach, the confusion and shock pulling down her thoughts…

…The rogue bit of warmth that is trying to push past all of those, in a jarring contrast. It might have something to do with that bit of lift underneath her arms that keeps her walking. Or the breath that she can still feel against her ear, even though Akihiko's voice has gone quiet, waiting for her response. But the part of her that's just Mitsuru wants to throw all of it away, and leave herself isolated and feeling nothing else.

The other half of her, the Kirijo half, pushes back against those thoughts. Even when the rest of her world feels like it's crumbling, that part stays steady, constant, and also demanding proper attitude and finesse, no matter if she feels exhausted.

It isn't much of a contest, and Mitsuru can't muster up the energy to feel surprised when the half of her that's centered around being disciplined, composed…Being a _Kirijo_ starts to win out. It's under that perfectionist half of her that Mitsuru starts trying to swallow her tears, and walk at least a little straighter and lift her head up.

"I…I know." But apparently, discipline can't do much for a raw, choked up throat. She can feel her face go hotter, making the tears on her face burn a little stronger when she stammers out the words. She still tries to hold her head up straight, even if she finds that she can't hold herself up without Akihiko's help.

Once she does manage to look up, Mitsuru realizes that she can see the dormitory coming into view. She thinks that maybe now, she should try to walk on her own, to make those last steps towards the building.

Akihiko's hand stays tight around her, his grip tightening for a moment when he also sees the dorm lights, and that need to walk alone fades under his fingers.

o-o-o

Things don't get any easier when they all step inside the dorm. Their leader looks lost, and Mitsuru…Akihiko can still feel how much she's shaking, even as she tries to stand on her own and raise her head to give orders. Akihiko glances at her eyes, sees that defeated look, and finds himself speaking instead.

"You guys should get some rest." He turns back to look over at the juniors, and then at Aigis. "And…Can you tell them about what happened," This time he turns his head to the coffins at the far end of the lobby. "When the Dark Hour is over?"

"Understood." Aigis is the only one who speaks, and Akihiko wonders if he didn't just hear something off in her voice; something other then the usual monotone. This isn't the time to dwell on it, though. Not with Mitsuru still slumped against him. He makes sure his arm is firmly around her shoulders before taking the stairs. Mitsuru is still looking at the coffins the Kirijo executives are sleeping in.

"I should…"

"Also get some rest." Akihiko cuts her off. He isn't certain how he feels when she tears her eyes away from the coffins and _looks_ at him. Mitsuru looks like she wants to be angry, but still can't find anything to fuel that emotion. For his part, Akihiko feels caught between relief and pain over that.

"C'mon. We're all de-" Somehow, 'dead on our feet' doesn't sound like the best thing to say. "Need to sleep."

At least when he takes the stairs, she doesn't hesitate to follow. They make slow progress, Mitsuru moving as if she's relearning how to lift her feet enough to climb. He almost expects the Dark Hour to end before they reach the third floor, but the dorm walls are still tinted green when they climb the last step.

His plan had been to make sure she reached her room. That swiftly changes when Mitsuru doesn't let go of him as she steps through the doorway, pulling him with her instead of the other way around. Her fingers are wrapped too tightly around his shoulders for Akihiko to do anything but follow.

He still has room in his head to feel surprised all over again at how large Mitsuru's room is. At least she's making a straight line for the bed, although Akihiko feels awkward about following her. The living room has always been the limit of how far he's stepped into her room, but now…Now he's currently looking at what has to be a queen sized bed, and hoping that Mitsuru will collapse onto that instead of the floor.

She does, but still doesn't let go of him. When she pulls at his arm, down towards her bed, the warning sirens in his mind blare loud. But they go quiet when he finds himself sitting on the mattress and nothing else happens. There's a still moment, where the only thing he can hear is his pulse pounding in his ears.

This is where he's supposed to remove her hand and tell her to sleep, isn't it? The thing is just that…It's hard to even think of taking her hand off his shoulder when her fingers have that near death grip on his vest.

"…Thank you for your assistance, Akihiko." Mitsuru's words cut through that silence, even though her voice is low and numb when she speaks. She even raises her head to look at him, and it's clear that she's trying to put her mask back on, but can't get it right after all that happened.

He still can't find words, so Akihiko has to settle for shaking his head, and giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze in return. Something about it brings up another memory that he doesn't want to deal with right now…Someone holding him back, their grip around his body tight as he tried to wrench free-

Mitsuru leans against him, and that's when his mind decides that the Dark Hour is way too quiet; that memory is nearly buried as all of his thoughts start screaming at him. Mainly about how he doesn't know anything about girls, and he REALLY doesn't know how anything related to them applies to Mitsuru. He doesn't pull away, though. Something about that seems like a very bad idea.

Then she closes the distance and kisses him, and there's no room for anything in his head except for a startling blankness.

It's weird, how he could carry Mitsuru back to the dorm, but the minute she presses her hands against his chest, the motion tips him back and into the bed sheets. He feels almost like he's sinking into the mattress, especially when Mitsuru leans over him, holding him in place.

"I'm sorry." Her lips keep brushing against his mouth as she says that. "But if I could…I could just…" He's not sure whether he wants to return those kisses, or give her a good shake and tell her not to apologize over feeling sad…Over showing something other then that careful mask she always wears, and being _human_. Pulling her down into a tight hug is the best compromise he can reach.

When he inhales, he can catch a bit of her scent…And smoke. Thick, cloying smoke that burns his eyes and makes the water.

"Akihiko?" He looks up and realizes Mitsuru is pressed tight against his chest, his arms holding her close with an almost desperate strength. And he also realizes that his eyes really ARE watering, which makes his face burn a little…Although not as much as he thought. She still has tears in her eyes, even with her best efforts, and it almost makes them mirror the other.

The minutes start to blur together as they lay side by side like that. Mitsuru isn't kissing him any longer. Instead her mouth is resting between his ear and his neck, and the breath that flutters out of it lets him know that she hasn't worked all of her tears out just yet.

His hands are moving on their when they reach around to her back. Slowly, they start to run up and down her spine and over her ribs as her breath flutters over his skin.

o-o-o

She'd been running on autopilot until they reached her room. And even now, the situation feels surreal, like she's stumbling through a mix between a bad dream and some forgotten, half hazy memory from Shirikawa.

Akihiko is still what's keeping her grounded, and when she kisses him, it's also what dulls the despair for at least a moment. With all her emotions leaking out, kissing him shouldn't be this shocking. Yet somehow, there's still surprise flickering up in her head that she's even doing this…Along with a feeling of something smoldering in her stomach when she kisses him again. She didn't think that she had any room in her for something like that.

He's warm, sturdy, immediate, and when her fingers braid with his, the bit of cloth eye patch she was holding somehow gets lost between their hands. Akihiko is holding it when she pulls away, his eyes darting between her and his hand.

"Akihiko…" She runs her fingers over his chest again. Something about that gesture helps her focus, and keeps her voice steady. "Do you have any regrets?"

The hand on her back stops moving, and he stares up at her in clear confusion. She finds herself clarifying…But to his neck and collarbone, instead of his face. Something about this question makes her heart beat faster, and not because his hand is still on her back.

"We…Were deceived. We might have fought for nothing. Do you wish you hadn't…" 'Joined S.E.E.S.? Met me?' The questions echo in her head as she looks at his vest.

"Never." Akihiko tugs her face back up to look at him, and there's strength flickering behind his eyes that wasn't there back in middle school. It may have even not been there a few months ago. "I...I don't blame you for anything, Mitsuru."

He's earnest as he reads her expression, and the questions in it. "I got stronger. I learned something about myself, and…" Now it's his turn to look away. "…And I met you. No way I regret that."

o-o-o

Akhiko keeps from looking at her, still staring at his hand and the scrap of cloth in it. His heart is pounding in his chest, like it's protesting the words that fell out of his mouth.

Mitsuru has been carrying this thing all night…And with it in his hand and his focus on it, he realizes what it is; a shred of her father. His eyes jerk up at her, see those breaks in her half-on mask, and orange light and sirens flare up in his mind's eye, louder and clearer then before.

He can almost hear Caesar solemnly nod far back in his head, as the realization finally, painfully clicks into place with a painful wrench that yanks at his thoughts and chest.

It's the same sort of loss between them. Or at least, close enough. And this time, HE'S the one holding her back, keeping her from destroying herself in her grief…Or leaving her alone with it.

"…I don't want to lose you, too." The words slip out of his lips, a moment before he cautiously brushes them up against Mitsuru's cheek. When the temperature in the room doesn't drop, he relaxes. And when Mitsuru leans into his kiss and sighs Akihiko feels that tugging at in his chest let up, and the wail of sirens and crackle of fire in his ears fade.

o-o-o

Later, she knows there will be meetings, stress, and more heartache and wrenching guilt as the gravity of her father's death crashes back down around her. Mitsuru can still feel some of those emotions, just below the surface, like cold water just underneath a sheet of thin ice.

But…For now, that ice holds her up, just like Akihiko is holding her now, and she pushes those thoughts away for later. Later, when Akihiko isn't in her bed, with his arms tight around her. When he isn't wearing his emotions out in the open, and inviting her to do the same.

Mitsuru lets that discipline that had fought so hard to stay with her on the walk back fall away. And while she feels tears starting to prick at her vision, she doesn't feel as much shame in it as before.

She finally moves off of Akihiko's chest, laying by his side instead. He never breaks his grip on her, which she's thankful for; it almost feels like this embrace is giving her a temporary shelter from the world.

Right when she thinks of that, the green of the Dark Hour washes away like a tide. The soft rose of her bedroom walls return, and the clock on her nightstand starts to glow again. 12:01. It feels like weeks have passed by, rather then one hidden hour rolled between seconds.

That doesn't change that reality is waiting for her, now that time is moving again.

o-o-o

"The Group will want to speak with me tomorrow." Akihiko nods, although the motion feels stiff. Maybe because he knows he can't stand with her to face this, and that knowledge hurts.

"Yeah…" Is all he can manage.

"And there will need to be preparations made as well. For succession, and for the…" He can feel her breath start to hitch up again, and he holds her tight before she can finish saying 'the funeral.'

"I know." As she tries to get her breathing back under control, he finds himself speaking again. "You'll be gone for a while, huh?"

Mitsuru's neck also goes rigid when she nods. She doesn't look like she's ready for this anymore then he is.

"Will you…Still be here?" Those cracks are gone when she looks at him and asks that. Maybe because she's dropped the mask, and is looking at him…As Mitsuru. Just as Mitsuru, and he feels an odd sense of gratitude over it.

"I'll be here. And I'll wait." And he won't leave her to stand alone again. Akihiko promises that to himself, as another silence stretches out between them, different from the last one. It isn't a tense sort either; more like after everything, both of them are still working on catching their breath. And when he finally thinks of something else to say, he realizes that Mitsuru's eyes are shut and she's drifted off to sleep, even if her arm is still draped over him.

He follows not long after, curled against her. When he wakes up the next morning, she's already gone, her warmth long since faded from the covers. The eye patch is laying on her nightstand…And, he notices, his gloves have somehow joined it as well. He leaves them behind when he exits her room, deciding that he can wear a different pair, and always get the black ones back later.

o-o-o

Later turns out to be a long time coming. Not until after Kyoto, and after Mitsuru finally manages to find her strength again. It hurts, in some ways, that he hadn't been able to help her with that, but that pales compared to how he feels when Mitsuru walks back into the dorm, standing tall again.

Despite that, there are still times where he finds himself sharing a bed with her, always falling asleep only after she drifts off. That continues even after he kept his promise while the world tried to end itself; then, at least, he stayed by her side, and refused to let her face Nyx alone.

It turns out she wants him to stay there, as well, even after the threat ends. They continue to see one another, sometimes between classes, sometimes a few seconds after midnight, since that old habit is hard to cast aside. That isn't so bad, though. Even if he sometimes hears flames crackling in the back of his mind while he holds onto Mitsuru, or she hears gunshots, that doesn't seem to matter as much any more. Those sounds keep growing fainter in their company.


End file.
